I don't wanna close my eyes.

BREAK'S OVER !

I don't wanna go back to facing reality. 

I don't wanna go back to school. 

I don't wanna say goodbye to my bed, my house and my holiday life. 

But, I have too.

A damsel in distress.

Syawal has left us. But still, I have two more houses to go too. All in all, it's been a great month. Though, many many things have happened. Some were nasty some were happy things. I am glad I went through all of it. I got to know people's true colors. And I figured out the answers to the toughest questions in life. I may not be the smarty pants in school, I may not be Miss-Know-It-All, I may not win in everything, I may not be right in everything, I may not have the best words but at least, I have learned a lot in life and I am much mature in all aspects. And I have more pride and dignity and I have a big heart to top it all. I've forgiven things and I have gotten over things. A lot of things. Like what Kak billa wrote in her blog, I'm a little something, unlike you. 


I understand the meaning of changes. I understand the meaning of changing. I understanding the meaning of many words associated with life. But I don't understand the meaning of hurting others. Be it when it comes to family, friends, even outsiders. Why must people hurt other people ? I was once so close to some people, but things changed, we drifted apart, and we are no longer the people we used to be. At least, I thought I was still who I was before, but things still changed. I admit, I've made many many mistakes, uncountable mistakes. I know and I am aware of it. But I guess, no matter how hard I try making things to work out, things will still turn ugly in the end. So, I've stopped trying and I no longer want to try. I've given up and I just don't care anymore. No more trying and no more crying.


I think, I've found the happiness I want and the happiness that I need in life. I don't think I need to go back to the place I was before to be happy. I think I can be happy just the way I am now. This is the weird thing in life. Even if you feel so shitty, like you just wanna die and go far far away, at the end of everything, if you have the right people around you, you will always go back to normal again, you will always feel happy again. Believing in Allah is important. It's the number one key to being happy. Believing that you have your family around you all the time is important too, it's the second thing you'll always have to remember. Trusting them is compulsory because they will feel your trust too. Believing in yourself is a must. I can't explain but it's just a must. We are who we are. Forever, and always.

Apple bottom jeans.

I desperately need a pair of new flipflops. Some drug junkie stole my flipflops and my brother's crocs. Whoever you are, I pray that all your shoes get stolen in the future. Okay, I'm just kidding. So, i woke up today, so sleepy and feeling lost. Mum had to wake me up quite a number of times. Got ready and went for Add Maths tuition. I can say it has been a productive Friday Morning, alhamdulillah. But now, I'm still resting due to the lack of sleep and how fatigue I am now. And also, while waiting for the cleaners to come. 


I have to start being a little serious. I have to start molding myself into a responsible person. I don't think I can afford playing around and making a fool out of myself any longer. 

Time to GROW UP, young girl !

So sad, so sad, its a sad sad situation.

There's this phase in life where nothing goes right. Even the smallest issue becomes a big of a deal. This is the changing phase. It's normal for us to find it really hard to accept the changes occuring around us. And in time, we change too. I have gone through quite a number of situations these past sixteen years. It wasn't all that easy. As a matter of fact, there were just too many incidents that kept on happening. But, I've learned so much. And everything that has happened, I made into life lessons for me to ponder on when I'm at my worst. I think I survived. No bruises, no cuts, no marks anywhere. Just maybe, a few black dots in my heart. 

Sometimes, we may want people to change. We so badly want them to change, we might think its for the best, but it's not cause the changes that happen, just hurt us in the end. 

I express my feelings a lot lately. I used to be the girl that bottles up her feelings and emotions and just bury them deep down in me. When truly I feel so tangled up inside. Well, that was before I found out, I had people that I could trust, all around me. I was once, sickly irritated with life. I was so engrossed in trying to fit in, I let go of my life principals and turned into someone I was not. After that phase, I turned into someone that pities everyone. I allowed sympathy and my emotions over rule my judgments, when that should've been the last thing on earth that I should do. 

Well now, I've gotten my lesson. I'll enjoy my life the way I want it to be. Not the way others want it to look like or want it to be. I'm the creator and editor of my own life. After all that I've been through, I think I deserve some credit to try to be happy. 

And now, I am what I am - a happy kid that knows nothing about the nature of humans. And yeah, believe it or not, I'm still learning.

I can be a hero baby.

I wonder why I always procrastinate. I mean, whatever I do has to start with phrase like, "okaylah just a minute" or "kejap lagilah" or "there's still tomorrow" or "its never too late". I get no work done at all by the end of it. I'll just laze around pretending like there's nothing to be done. Seriously, it's got to stop, eventually it must. I mean I'm not growing any younger. And as the day passes by, every second, minute and hour of everyday, I'm getting closer to bigger hurdles in life. 

Looking back, I was always the active kid in school. Always joining whatever competitions the school held. Being on stage, performing just about anything even singing and dancing wasn't scary to me. I was brave and I didn't need any paperclips to hold on to while I was doing what I was supposed to do on stage. I'm not bragging, I just.. I just miss those moments. I never procrastinate and everything went ever so smoothly. 

Now, it's the other way around. Nothing seems to be done. Everything is pulled back and paused and delayed. I start my sentences with buts and ifs not I will or I am going too. I dissociate myself from involving myself in clubs or any activities. At first, it was just for the sake of taking a break. Then it just lived with me and grew onto me. 

All these has to come to an end. I pray for a miracle, for a change everyday.

Oh please, help me.

Berlalulah sudah Ramadhan, sebulan berpuasa.

 We are still in the month of Syawal. The month where Open Houses come in abundance til you don't know which one to choose and to go to but in the end, you go to all the Open Houses and eat so much til you tummy hurts. But, the after-effect is still great as you feel happy you have gathered with your friends and family. That's the most valuable feeling and nothing can ever top that.


This year's Syawal wasn't as fascinating as before. In some unexplainable way, this year's Syawal got worse than my expectations. I just feel that the nostalgic feeling of Syawal isn't there anymore. Maybe, because there wasn't any firecrackers for us to play during the eve of Hari Raya. 


But overall, the food was great just maybe the excitement wasn't there. I must be making a fool of myself if I say I am not tire during Raya this year. Because, us girls especially the young ladies were in the kitchen most of the time cutting the ketupat's and refilling the rendang tok and cutting the lemang and making the drinks and making everyone happy. I was still very much happy though I was so tired and could barely walk or even stand anymore after each day.


I guess, we don't need all the extravagant clothes, the cameraman, big open houses to feel the excitement. I think just being around our loved ones during Raya is more than enough to enlighten our Syawal.


Hope its not to late, but Happy Eid everyone :D