frosted air

I wonder why some of the form three students are still going to school cause really it's just a waste of time. Added with the fact that I happened to be one of them who went to school. And I tell you, it's just pointless ?
Ah well, ain't gonna go to school anymore.

I'm at the hospital with my dad. And I must say, I've always have this fear with hospitals ever since I was a kid. Cause u know, how hospitals are. There's this eerie medicine smell that sticks on the walls of the hospital. And the environment somehow feels sick and ververy mellow. And you can feel a gus off eerieness running down your spine.
Well, I don't know, but that's just how I feel. And I wonder how it is like in the morgue. I'm sure it feels a lot like hell in there. But I still love loitering around the hospital. Especially visitting the labour ward and the children's ward. Pure bliss.

And now, boys over flowers are getting more and more addictive day by day, ho my.

I'm really really running out of ideas.

Bye.

I don't know why

But.. I get emotional real easy these days. I don't like it. I wake up in the morning starring into the mirror 'admiring' my swollen eyes. Something is bugging me. Though, I don't know what exactly is. I keep coming to that statement everytime I think of something. It's as if I'm running around in circles. And each day, those circles keep getting smaller and smaller til I finally have no where to go.
I can just cry listening to songs that I love. And off late, I am so into slow songs. Ballad to be exact. It's like this Korean Drama that I'm addicted to, it triggered my emotional button all over. And the word "sarang" it's like a beat on repeat in my head.
Truthfully I'm over everything. The past will remain the past. I can't keep loitering around something that meant completely nothing from the beginning. I don't mind really. After all that I've been through these past few weeks, watching Korean Drama's non-stop, I've learnt just too much. I'm a lot stronger now. Not the weak, fragile person I used to be.

But still. I need answers. I just don't know where to begin.

I hate my phone

I loathe my phone right now. It's acting like a total moron right now. I need a new phone. But, i'm saving the money that I have to pamper myself by buying other things like, ur clothes ? Internet life ain't that fun anymore. It's total boredom actually.

Should make a list on good and beneficial things that I could do.

peliknya

"Kadangkadang, kita rasa macam hidup ni dah tak bermakna tapi pada zahirnya, apa yang buat kita rasa hidup ni tak bermakna tulah yang buat hidup kita ni bermakna. Faham tak ?"

Bila kita rasa macamtu selalunya macam dunia ni dah nak berakhir padahal esok bangun alhamdulillah masih hidup boleh breakfast makan Nasi Lemak dengan Hot Milo dekat kedai makan. Biasalah kan, manusia. Macammacam telatah and gaya tersendiri. Tapi walau apa pun, sebenarnya memang susah nak faham fikiran dan cara pemikiran orang lain. Sebab semua orang dilahirkan berbeza. Tengok dna kita senang cerita semua lain. Selalunya, bila kita rasa sedih and down tu bila kita takboleh nak faham someone tu. SELALUNYA lah. Sebab kadangkadang "actions speak so much louder than words". Sorry tak tahu nak translate dalam bahasa melayu. Tapi yang paling I takfaham, kenapa bila dunia kita dah cerah sangat inside and out, time tu lah kita ditimpa dugaan yang melimpah ruah. Okay, bukan takfaham susah nak terima sebenarnya. Faham sebenarnya. Tuhan nak test kesabaran kita. Yes, I sabar terima everything. Tapi kenapa manusia cepat berubah ? Sekejap everything macam fun, happy and semua macam cool jelah. Lepastu, terus you ni siapa, i kenal u ke ? tak kan so janganlah kacau i. Something like that lahh. Isn't that just weird ? Janganlah macamtu. Takda kebaikan apa pun. Menyakitkan hati and lebih merumitkan keadaan adalah. So baik jangan. I'm okay sebenarnya. Dah biasa. Masalah datang and pergi. Tapi macam I selalu cakap sebelum ni, bila masuk je pintu rumah, mesti happy balik. Maybe, keajaiban ada family macamtulah kot. So be thankful for everything that you have.

Taktahu kenapa hari ni macam teirngin nak post dalam bahasa melayu rojak. Macam fun je. Tapi konklusinya, susah betul nak faham hati budi orang lain, kan ?

iris

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.

stardolls

I'm so bored. Life after PMR is not that fun after all.
It is but only if there was something functional and beneficial to be done.
All I do now, is eat, sleep, clean the house and go online.
Pfffttt. What a way to spend your 'so-called' sweet victory.
Ain't that sweet after all.

confusion

I'm amazed with people's attitudes.
Be it an adult or a teenager or even a child.
I just don't get it.

you got a big ego, such a huge ego, i love his big ego

I DON'T believe it, PMR is actually over ?
Okay, the best phrase that I've heard so far. And I want it to last.
For a long LONG long LONG time.
Let me enjoy and embrace this short break that I have.

I had a great day. We went home right after our last paper.
Got ready and everything and went straight to Aishah's house. Ordered pizza yum, and watched a horror movie, 4bia. Though I've watched the movie I have got to say, I screamed like nuts whenever it came to the part where the ghosts appeared from nowhere and such. Everyone was laughing. We had a great time, all in all. Made a video that didn't really work out then later made another video which was so cool and funny. Then, we chit chatted for a bit and went home. And now here I am typing away. It's been so long since I last smell "freedom".

It's nice, this gutsy thing I have now. I feel calm, and peaceful. But I can hear annoying grumbles that my tummy is making. It's okay, I'll eat soon. I have to got to school though tomorrow, wth right ? Seriously. BUt since everyone is going, so might as well I just go too. It would be great especially with my friends around. Seriously, we never run out of jokes. And I can say, they're the type of friends that can make us feel happy at any time. Cause at any point in life, they're always there. ALWAYS.

I've been writing such long, boring posts lately. And I don't know why. I can't stop.
Okay. Bye.

this feels so like 90210

I can still remember, how I used to look forward into going to school, every single day without fail during my early days of education in high school. Like any other possible pre-teen, it definitely takes a lot of time, encouragement from parents and determination absorbing with the new environment, meeting new friends, studying in a total different environment, mixing around with people, you name it. It was a little different for me though as I studied in a far far away junior high school. And so, when I entered high school, all my friends from my junior high school weren't at all insight. It was kind off like a big dissapointment to me. But I thought, it would be a great experience meeting new friends.

At the beginning of my journey, it definitely wasn't that easy. I think I was trying too hard to fit in that I somehow forgot how it was being the real me. It took me such a long time to finally really make friends with people til I met Syakila and her friends. Which now, are my good and close friends. During the process, it definitely did test me inside and out. I was emotionally under pressure. Mama helped me alot, my cousins too as they were going through the same thing. And so, I guess those experiences, though it weren't all that pretty, it did teach me a lot.

But, i just don't know why. I somehow just find the phrase "I have to go to school today" ain't that catchy anymore. And in someway or another, I feel lethargic. Maybe it's because I'm tired of mindless attitudes in school. Not that i'm pointing fingers at anyone, really I'm not. So, please, please, please DO NOT feel offended. It's just that everyday is packed with drama's and the drama's aren't that cool or fanciful to be watched. It feels like I'm on the 90210 show or maybe Gossip Girl where everyone just doesn't seem to act like themselves. Not that I dont like watching these drama's I love them actually but Life is not like the 90210. Even them, the actors and actresses in it, don't act that way in real life. They're just plain dull and irritating. These drama's i tell you. Cause to me, when these drama's occur it's like these people are just trying to get cheap publicity or in kinder words they're just trying to seek attention. Mind you, high school is not about trying to fit in into the socialite cliques, hanging around with ONLY cool people, mixing around with the popular people. NO. It's not that way. It's about finding the person in you that's dying to get out. And most of all, it's about learning and determining your future.

Yeah I know, I'm only fifteen and I have not eaten enough salt to be talking like I'm a know-it-all. I'm just writting based on experience and based on the good lectures, people have been giving me. I?m not a saint either and I do make mistakes. A lot of them. And I'm not saying being a drama queen isn't fun. Being a drama queen is fun, especially when you're at home. But just don't over do it. There's limitation to everything that we say and do.

Ah well, no matter how much I babble about this, it's still not gonna make a dif unless those people trying making the dif themselves. Be it then.

a secret potion

There are times where I just feel like I just need a bright lucky star. Seriously.

Sometimes everything we want and need(family and friends) are always there with us, but sometimes.. We just tend to feel like some things are meant to be told and spoken to someone else. If you know what I mean. And I wish there was even one lucky star out there that could be trusted or even be kept for real. It takes time to find a true star. And waiting needs patience. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be. If it wasn't then, it wasn't meant to be after all.

I don't really feel like getting out of this house any time soon.

Perhaps, i should be as quiet as possible for a while. I need some time on my own. I need to think properly on the possible steps I want to take for the sake of my future. Significant baby steps.

I hate my phone right now.

It's acting like a psychopath. And it switches on and off all by itself. And it just goes haywire anytime it wants too. And it loves saying "simcard unable to read". And it loves running away from me. And it just won't stop vibrating though no one called me or text me that day.

I envy those who write very well.

I've stopped my reading for a very very long time. And I miss it terribly. And that is also why my vocab is getting pretty bad. But it's okay. I'll read more later.

I secretly wish I could direct a movie.

Where the movie mainly dwells about true life about student these days. That would be fun. And most of all, it won't be the same old chick flick we always watch. Not that I hate chick flicks, I love them really. Haha.

I am quite confused at this moment.

With the stream that I'm going to pick later on. I want two things. I want to learn biology so that means i have to be in science stream cause Growing up, I've always wanted to be a doctor. But, as days go by and I've outgrown myself and looking at people's jobs and everything, I feel like I want to be a broadcast journalist. And it keeps on changing. I can never stick with one that I love the most. Maybe not yet. But time's running out. Before I know it, it'll be December and It's just a month away from a brand new year.

I have this crazy crush on Robert Pattinson.

Ever since I saw him in Harry Potter. And I just can't stop loving him. Let alone think about him. I even want a boyfriend that's just like him. Okay, not true.

I do hope too once in a while.

Okay, not true again. I hope a lot a lot. I hope that my years in high school won't be filled with Dramas. Cause really, I am just so sick and tired of dramas. It's never ending. And I loath dramas. But I cannot deny the fact that being a drama queen is fun. Especially at home.

I have a secret obsession with rain.

I love it when it rains. Please. Do not ask me why. Because, I can never seem to find the answer. I can only say, I just love rain. Especially the sound of rain.And best of all, it's the best weather to sleep in.

And that's just about it.

it's a matter of time

Hi. I forgot to mention earlier on that I changed my url. Due to reasons like my url is just so very hard to memorise as the a's and r's are just too many in it. And because I myself think my previous url was just too girlish and that it did not reflect my personality. So with the help of my dear dear friend, *drum rolls* SYAKILA she created this cool url wish sort of relects me. And for that thank you very much. I've ran out of ideas actually. Nothing came to my mind except for a few such as 'imasoreloser', 'paisleyflipflops' and 'lovelettersonturtledoves' which I find so annoying and cliche. And I think, this url is permanent. For now.

this is the last time

Hi.
Give me a second.
I'm thinking of what to write.
Still thinking ...
I'm wasting my time.


Oh.


PS. Please Don't Go. So. Stay.

a lot like love

Hi. Tuition was fun as always today. It's been quite hectic these past few weeks. I'm facing pmr, so that's just how it is. Despite all the fuss I've been through, problems with studies and such my sleep has been more than enough. I sleep more than 7 hours a day. Isn't that just great ? My eyebags are getting pretty better. The greatest achievement so far. Haha. And i think, I just made myself a new best friend. My super fabulous pencils and pens. I use it like everyday, day and night. Actually, it's just a statement to prove that I study a lot lately. Oh, and i want a pet. Really, this house is getting pretty boring and I have no one to talk with. So, bah, I want a cat or a bunny or anything. I just want a pet. I promise to love and care it with all my might. And i will also feed it with sardines and cat food if you were to get me a cat and I would feed it with carrots and bunny food if you were to get me a bunny. Not to forget, I will also clean its poopies and everything.

Have you ever felt butterflies flying away in your tummies. And you just feel this kind off feeling where you can't seem to interpret how you actually feel about something but these butterflies in your tummy, it just won't go away and you feel like giggling and laughing and you even feel like crying. It's a mix of each emotion ever to exist on Earth. I feel that a lot lately. And i don't know if its supposed to be something good or is it something plain bad ? I don't know. I just don't know. But I do like it when I feel that way. Somehow, I feel calm and relax when I'm in that particular emotion.

So, my advise is. Please always filll your tummies with butterflies at all times. And that was a brilliant suggestion brought to you exclusively by Farah Nk.

: )

that rockin chick

Hi. I was just browsing through my previous posts. And to celebrate my 58th post, I would like to officially state here that I am turning over a new leaf. A brand new spankin' new leaf. But I shall not delete all my previous posts like i did before. Life is to great to waste each minute in it ey ? So, I'm learning to appreciate what I have right now. And yes, I know I shouldn't be blogging right now. I still have three papers to go. But it just feels right to write today. The weather is perfect. It's raining outside and it just seems to reflect my mood.

--------------------------------------

I see pretty rainbows everywhere I go. I kept thinking, what in heavens world does this all mean but I can never seem to find the significant answer to my question. Til it came to a point where I felt everything was wrong. Nothing felt right. Then it turned pitch black everywhere. I thought I was lost. To the extend where I felt I just wasn't able to breath and it was as if there was this big giant rock slamming right on my head. Then I saw this bright light that came shining through out of nowhere. I approached it. I tried my very best to move towards the light though I was in pain. Then I pulled through, I came near the light. It was beautiful there. Full of colors and a magnificent view. I woke up out of the blue, dazzled and mesmerized by that dream that I just got. And it occurred to me. Why should I worry about things that might not even happen to me in the future ? Why should I get so paranoid over the littlest issue ? Why should I be sad ? I don't deserve all this. I deserve respect and I deserve to get the happiness and fun that every fifteen year old would and could feel right now. I'm blessed with the most amazing family ever. And I can't deny I do have wonderful friends around me. Whom I love to the littlest bits. That was when I just felt that I should just flip open a new page and start fresh, like I always do but for real this time. What have I got to lose ? Nothing, absolutely nothing at all. And in the end, I think I'll still get my own pretty rainbow too.

give me a reason to stay

Hi. Okay, okay, okay. I know, i know. I should spend every minute that i have left, studying and revising whatever i still can. I just need a time out. Im so tired, actually. So, it's time for me to unwind. So, school was 'interesting' and a lil boring too. Alhamdulillah, my place for pmr is in the school hall which is awesome cause its cold there plus the weather is irrevocably hot this days but oh well, wherever the exam's gonna be.. It doesn't really matter, just as long as i get to complete my pmr. And continue my journey being a form three student. I also can't help but to give a million thanks to everyone that has been brainwashing and planting good tips and splendid ideas on how to overcome fear and also on how to gain my confidence level into my brain. I can say, it works and 90% of what they say is true.

Come to think of it, life without bondaries and obstacles won't be as good as it is now. I mean, true, when problems come, it can give us a pain in the butt but just try looking at it from a brighter view. Life has just so much to offer so think of it positively. All in all, I think, i have changed a lot too. I can't help but to thank my dearest mum, family and friends for that. Compromise is also the key to making good changes. So atleast, that's what i think it is, for now. During Raya, i've been moving around a lot so i've been meeting a lot of people lately. It was great meeting relatives living far away and it was tiring, can't deny that. And wonderful thing is, people keep saying that i'm tall. Haha, when actually, i am not. I'm only like what, four feet or less maybe, i don't know. And they keep saying, its okay eat more calcium, you just need to grow a little bit higher, than you'll be fine. Funny kan ? But really, it made my day a whole lot better. Maybe, i did grow a few inches taller. Or maybe it's just an optical illusion ? Or maybe, it is true ? Hah, who knows ?

So,
Put all excuses aside,
YOU are capable.

i run out of words to say when i see you

Hi. Firstly, you really did caught me off-guard. Making me run in circles like i'm some kind of a maniac when really, i am not one. Truth be told, i really don't know how to differenciate, What's right and What's wrong. I am even clueless when it comes to making perfect sense out of my words. I jumble up my words a lot. And even my behaviour and emotions go haywire plus the fact that i'll just end my phrases abruptly. I thought, i'm serious i really thought all this was true and not just something that made no sense at all. But then, day by day, your actions are just plain weird and different and that makes it hard for me to comprehend your actions and words. In short, i am very very confused. But at the same time You just dazzle me everytime i see you. What's all this ? Each and every person that i'm close to, tells me that this ain't a dream, it's bittersweet reality and i dont have to worry. How can i not worry when everytime i think of it, i'm always at wits end. I can even cry in the middle of the night like some mad cow. That's how crucial things are now. I just need a sign. People say i shouldn't give up and frankly, i myself don't want too but come to think of it, maybe, its for the best. I'm tired of experimenting my emotions again. Once was more than enough. That once changed me and everything that has got to do with me. So no more.

Phheeewww.
Finally, i get to write. It's nothing, nothing at all. I was just imagining and picturing life from a different view. Painful yet it still is life. I'm under pmr pressure right now. Get so tied up a lot lately. I won't be updating anymore til the thirteenth. Goodluck PMR candidates.